Symbiosis and Hiatus
They say that baby saguaros have to have shelter to get started growing; looks like
this one never managed to cut the apron strings. Or maybe the palo verde grew up
after the cactus had already been established?
Fat Charlie's Diary is going on hiatus. Last night, on the way home from work, I had
a wreck on the freeway on my motorcycle. It wasn't bad - I was able to get the bike
home. But it occurred to me while I was riding home from the wreck that perhaps -
just perhaps - I am cursed, like the ensign in "Master and Commander". There's not
been much in my life that's gone right in the last year and a half or so. And then
it occurred to me that that's just about how long I've been doing this blog thing.
Maybe exposing you folks to my life isn't good for you, and thus I'm getting a lot
of bad karma. Maybe doing something as self-absorbing as writing a daily diary for
the world to see is, itself, damaging. But I know this - for twenty-six years, my
life got worse, and then I started going to meetings. Then, for nineteen years, my
life got better. Then I started blogging. Now, for a year and a half, it's gotten worse.
Coincidence? You decide :)
But whether or not my blogging is causing my cursedness, it can't be any fun to read
about. And my response to my life is getting worse, as well. This morning, I packed
up three bags (yes, sir, yes, sir - three bags full) of clothes and ski gear to go
to the White Mountains this weekend for my first weekend of patrol. And I don't want
to go, at all. I realized that I have no enthusiasm for the idea of driving four hours
and leaving my family to spend the weekend with a bunch of strangers - in fact, it
scares me (I just realized that, when I was typing it). And then I had to admit that
there is nothing - at all - that anyone could suggest, for which I would have any
enthusiasm (it occurred to me that, if Fidelity were to call and say "Come home to
Utah!" I might have some enthusiasm, but even if that happened, I wouldn't get my
old home and mortgage back, and not only that, but whatever was wrong with me while
I was there would still be wrong with me, and I'd know it, so there's no enthusiasm).
That might be depression. It might be fatigue. But I suspect that it's actually
spiritual maturity - i.e. the fact is, that ANY undertaking in the world will lead
the same place, and after one tries enough of the, one becomes aware of it. The
Course in Miracles says that many folks die when they learn this, because they
don't realize that there's something else outside the world. But I don't have
the Connection that I used to think I had, to that Something (I mean, He is there,
keeping me sober and abstinent, but I don't seem to be getting any directions or
information or inspiration, so while it doesn't feel like I'm alone, it feels
like I'm in a car with somebody else who isn't talking much).
So I don't have anything happy to say, and it may be that just typing this in
daily is doing more damage than good. So I think I'll just take a hiatus. Maybe,
someday, I'll start blogging again. But it won't be until I'm over whatever it
is that I'm in (assuming that I'm in something over which it is possible to get :)
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