Corn, Corn, Corn, Corn, Corn
Shoeless Joe Jackson: Is this heaven?
Ray: No, it's Iowa.
So Ethel and I have had the house up for sale for some months now, intending to move closer to the office.
But it hasn't happened yet - market is slow. We might very well lose money - and then have to buy into a
market that has never topped out. Home prices in Scott$dale have continued to climb while the rest of the
city has slumped. Folks just wants to live in a place where you can bleach your teeth at a drive-through.
But it has occurred to me that Go Daddy has an office in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and I do a lot of testing for
the developers there. They are pleasant folks, and it's hard to imagine any of them getting breast implants.
So maybe that would be a good place to move. For the price of a 2000 square foot house in North Scott$dale,
I could buy four in Cedar Rapids - that would be one for me, one for Ethel, and one for each of my ex-wives.
So I asked my boss about it, and it turns out that he seemed to think that it was a good idea - he is going
to be hiring a manager for that office anyway. It's nice to have an idea - about my life - that seems to meet
with approval and encouragement. Especially an idea that SAVES me money rather than COSTS me money :)
So it seemed like a pretty good idea, until I mentioned it to Her Ethelness.
You know, sarcasm is a powerful communications tool, unless it gets overused. Ethel was in serious danger of
abusing the tool of sarcasm. I was concerned about the muscles connected to her eyeballs - she was rolling
her eyes so vigorously, I thought that she was going to strain some of those small muscles, and then she'd
wind up crosseyed. She had her lips pursed out and her head was wobbling around on her neck. It was awful.
You know, I think I could live in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. It's not big, and it's not small. It's got AA and OA, and
it has two Episcopal churches - one of them has a dog on the staff, a half-Malamute, half-Lab. I'd say that
the place was made for us. Sure - it doesn't have any skiing, and there's not a lot of rock climbing - but
how much skiing and rock climbing are we doing these days, anyway? I'm too busy commuting.
Iowa isn't known for diversity, but - well, diversity makes me nervous. I want to live in the middle of a
bunch of folks who all think alike and act somewhat alike; not automatons, but not with their opinions and
behavior all over the map. The best way to say it is that I only want one hump in my bell curve.
True; Iowa does not have the Grand Canyon, but it does have the
World's Largest Popcorn Ball.
And that's got to be worth something. And it has corn. Lots and lots of corn. I'd like to go on record here
as saying that I really like corn - fried corn, fricaseed corn, corn on the cob, corn kabobs, grilled corn...
"If you build it, they will come". Well, if they buy it, I will go. And Ethel, after bruising several ribs
while power-sighing, finally came around and saw benefits to living in a place where homes are less than $100
per square foot. I don't think it hurts that Iowa is also home to Albert, the
world's largest concrete bull,
and it's also where
James T Kirk will be born in another two hundred years. That's the sort of place I
want Silas to grow up. Assuming, of course, that he ever does so.
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